Sunday, January 23, 2011

Soulful Sunday

I apologize in advance for the following ramble.  Do not hold this post accountable for my future posts...not one of my bests.  What started out as a post to explain, ended up being the complete opposite.  I cannot be held responsible for any confusion or frustration you may receive from reading this.

It's that time of week, again, where I move out of the realm of weight loss and exercise and just talk about me.  I know, I talk about me every day - but I mean the inner me...not the weight or the fat...the me within.  I know that these posts will be super long...but my long drones is really for my benefit.  To see my flaws in black and white, to me, is one of the most therapeutic things for me to do.

I decided a couple of weeks ago to devote Sundays as my own personal day of worship....PLEASE don't take that to be offensive.  I in no way, shape or form believe that I am in the same category as God or Jesus - I just feel like Sundays are a good day to reflect on myself...the wrong I've done to myself and the wrong I feel about myself.  I reflect - and then try to repair.

Today, I've decided I want to discuss one of my personality traits.  It's something I'm working on, have been working on.  It's something I dislike about myself - and I want it gone!

Anyone that knows me in real life would probably use the word "perfectionist" to describe me.  There are many other words...I'm sure...but I've heard people describe me using that word.  Those people, they know me.

Many people are perfectionists...they like things done a certain way and won't stop until it is.  My issue is similar to that...but extends a little further.  I am a perfectionist to a fault - and I am a control freak....there, I said it.  Perfectionist isn't really the best word, control freak is much more appropriate.

Nobody really likes to fail or have setbacks.  Most people, however, will just pick themselves back up and try something different.  I just can't do that.  If things aren't going the way I want - I panic.  I obsessively look for the point where I went wrong - and try to fix it.  I obsess over the loss of control

I have to be in control - and if I'm not...fear sets in.  The crippling, sweaty palms, uncontrollable tears, anger, frustration...think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

I can deal with plans changing or spontaneous events.  I don't have a schedule or routine that has to be kept.  It mostly affects me when I really have no control of a situation.

A good example comes to mind...not being able to reach Hubby on the cell.  Sounds stupid, right?  I mean, I can't control him answering his phone... but when he doesn't answer, my blood begins to boil, my heart begins racing, the curse words and irrational anger sets in.  He's learned not to call me back for at least 15 minutes after the missed call - he doesn't want to feel my wrath.

Same thing happens when I don't get a response email.  I don't know how many times I've been waiting for an email response for a day or two- and literally had to shut down my computer and hide my phone because I get to the point where I will send another email....and it WON'T be pretty.

It's not just situations like this.  Those aren't the best examples.  It makes me sound like I get crazy because I'm not in control of others - and that's not really the case.  I don't like the "unknown". Wow, it's so much harder to explain than I thought it would be.  I need to be on top of my plans - at all times.  By not being able to reach someone or receiving a response keeps me in the "unknown" - and I don't like that one bit.  I need certainty...I need to know that things are going my way, or at least given time to change my way. 

Another example:  The weather.  You have no idea how much I check the weather forecast in a day.  I have to know if there's going to be snow or rain or a heat wave...because it may affect my plans somehow.  I need to have the time to alter and adjust.  If I'm planning on running, and there's a chance a snow storm is on it's way - I have to know so that I can prepare.  If I'm planning a cook-out and there's rain in the forecast, I need time to figure out how to make it work.  If that rain cloud comes along while I'm out cooking - you better believe all Hell will break lose.  That make more sense?  Probably not - but geez this is hard.

Not having control makes me irrational, crazy, full of anger....I bet you was wondering where the "Mad, Fat Woman" would come to light, huh?

I'm working on it.  I've found that the meditation has helped.  I've also found that getting more organized has helped.  I've always been a some-what organized person...but now I'm moving away from irrational control freak to organized control freak.  I feel more in control when I have lists: to-do lists, back up plans, a budget, meal plans..... they all help.  I try to plan for the unexpected. 

I'm beginning to realize that there are many things that I just can't control.  Not that it makes it any easier - but I've at least began to accept that I have to take a second to breath before panic sets in.  I've found that many of my issues can be easy fixes - if I take just a second to think about it.  It's a work in progress.

OK - I've frustrated myself even more trying to explain all of this...I don't have control over what I want to say, and what's spewing out I think it's best that I stop now.

Do you have any issues with control?
What is one of the funniest examples you can share about a situation you had no control over?
What's one of your personality traits that you'd like to see gone?

Till next time. ;)

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