last week's post.
I am going to confess that this week I've struggled a little.
I haven't done yoga at all - not proud of that. I have no excuses, no awesome reason, I just didn't do it.
I really want to tap in to the benefits of yoga.... I enjoy doing it, when I'm doing it. But it's actually getting to the doing that I'm struggling with. I can't dwell on what I did wrong, and why I didn't make myself do it. All I can do is make myself a promise that I'm going to try harder. The potholes will NEVER get repaired as long as I keep regretting my decisions.
Making my short term goals was a really therapeutic thing for me. Seeing what I want to achieve in black and white sent a whirl of mixed emotions racing through my body. Excitement, fear, dedication, nervousness, doubt, and motivation. It felt like I had an argument going on my brain:
Me: I'm so excited to do this
Negative me: That's a tall order, are you sure you can do it?
Positive me: Of course I can do it!
Negative me: What if you fail?
Positive me: That's not an option, I might not make ALL of the deadlines, but I will know in the end that I've done everything I can.
Negative me: Really? You couldn't even make yourself do your yoga this week, and you haven't run 4 days a week - like you said you would - since you started all this talk.
Positive me: I know, but that just means next week I will try harder - I'm not going to let you win.
Negative me: HAHA! We shall see. You keep saying you'll try harder next week...and then you don't. How many weeks do you think can pass by before you realize you're not going to be able to do it?
Positive me: I will do it. When I do, I want you gone. I want you out of this body, out of my head - forever!
Negative me: Deal!
No, I'm not insane - I don't think, anyway. I really have this inner argument going on in me each and every day. The only way to flush out the negative is to take away it's fuel....so that I will have to do. There are days, most days actually, that I let doubt in. I think about all that I've done, but still have a hard time seeing the payoff. I really want to change my lifestyle, my body, my mind...but for some reason that damn negative voice is always there - taunting, laughing, telling me to just give up - it's not worth it.
Then, yesterday happens. I know - this post is supposed to be positive and uplifting....and here it comes...
Yesterday, I had to go and take a test. The test was for my initial teaching license. It was a written test that I had to take in a university classroom. Tests don't bother me, I don't have any form of test anxiety...I don't doubt that I will do a good job....the test is never the problem.
The desk that I take the test, however...that's the problem.
Last year, I took a similar test. I walked in to the classroom and I felt the blood drain from my face as I looked at the desk where I'd be sitting. The only thing I could think of was "did they bring in desks from a Kindergarten classroom for this?" The desks are tiny. Those horrible kind that have the desk part attached to the chair - allowing a certain amount of space to fit your body into.
When I sat down, a year ago, I had to squeeze myself in to the desk. I felt like my circulation was being cut off. I could feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment as I huffed and puffed to try and find a comfortable way to position my body so that I could sit there for 2 hours without passing out. It was one of the worst days of my life.
Yesterday, I walked into the same classroom. I looked at the desks. My heart starting racing - the previous test experience started playing in my head like a bad horror movie. I didn't want to sit down. I wanted to run from the room crying....I just didn't want to put myself through that kind of embarrassment again.
Then I sat down.
No squeezing. No adjusting. No huffing or puffing.
WHAT?? Was that EXTRA room I had in front of me?
Yes. I could easily sit in the chair - no restraint, no discomfort....just easy peasy in the seat. I could even twist around and talk to the person behind me. I wanted to scream...but this time, in pure excitement and joy. Finally, I had a clear picture of the work that I had done. I could see what I had accomplished. Something as small as being able to fit into a desk was what I needed to put into perspective how my hard work does mean something - the results ARE there.
So, there's my road construction for the week. No, I didn't work on one particular thing to love about myself ... a pothole was filled by a moment, a small moment. Realizing how far I've come by something so small had HUGE benefits. Sometimes, it takes something little to really make the big picture come into light. That's what happened for me this week.
Have you ever had an unexpected situation make you realize how much hard work you've accomplished?
How do you overcome days when you just want to throw in the towel?
How do you get rid of the negativity in your brain and focus on the positive?
Till next time. ;)