Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Back in Time Tuesday - 2000

It's the day that I get to travel back in time.  For someone that only talks about her past once a week, it's a lot harder than you think coming up with a specific time in my life to talk about.  Last night, while actually get a night to somewhat relax, I went into my "deep thought" mode.  I started thinking about my slump, started thinking about why and how I got to be this big, and then realized - I've said many, many times on this blog that I've battled my weight for a decade.  Over a course of a decade I went from lean teenager to Goodyear Blimp.  It wasn't because I sat around eating jelly donuts all day - there are some major reasons I went through the drastic transformation...and spent so long trying to fix it.  That's when it occurred to me that it's time to really share my story - share how I got to be this way, the issues I've dealt with, going to the root of my problem.

So, for the next few weeks - I will be talking about the last decade.  I will start with the year 2000, because that's when my life changed...drastically.  I will warn you.  The stuff I'm going to share is what I can only describe as "deep".  I went through some serious problems - but they all account for who I am today.  I feel like it's time to share.

Before I get down to it, let's do a little introduction.  By 1999, I had overcome my self image problem about being the "fat girl" in high school.  I had gotten over it so much that I was wearing a bikini in the summer, and loving it.  I was a junior in high school, and no longer cared that you couldn't see my ribs when I put on my bathing suit.  I accepted and embraced my curves - and was finally happy with my self image.  Well, I thought I was, anyway.  I started doing stupid teenager stuff, like drinking alcohol - and at 16, I lost my virginity.  I gave in to peer pressure, and paid the consequences.  At 17, I found out I was pregnant.  As you can imagine, it was a major blow to my life.  Up to this point, I was a straight A student - I had everything going for me.  I was planning on attending college, I was planning on becoming a teacher...I was planning my life.  Having a baby was not in those plans - not for several years, anyway.  Being the person I am, I decided I was definitely keeping my baby - and would deal with life as it came.  I had to drop out of high school, because the school I attended didn't want me to in the school pregnant.  They wanted to send me to an "alternative" school - I wanted nothing to do with it.  I should also mention that I had moved out of my parent's house, and started living with my boyfriend.  The plan was for me to go to work, I had to take care of the baby somehow.

Fast forward to January, 2000.  My boyfriend had left me - he wasn't "ready" to have a baby...cause you know, I was *insert eye roll*.  I had moved in with a friend, 6 months pregnant, and needed a job.  I was scared.  I was scared I was going to be alone forever.  I was scared I wasn't going to be able to give my baby a good life.  I was scared that I would never achieve the goals I had for myself.  I sucked all the fears up, and just took one day at a time...it's all I could do.  Luckily, my friend got me a job working with her at a fast food place.  My first day there, I knew it was going to be rough.  Being pregnant, standing on my feet for 8-10 hours, and rushing around getting food ready for people was really going to test my limits.  I was hired to work 3rd shift, so that it wouldn't be too rough on me.  Well, my first night there, I started talking to the cook.  He was an OK looking guy.  He was arrogant, thought he was God's gift to women, and just rubbed me the wrong way.  The first thing he said to me was "you're not allowed to fall in love with me, because I'm in love with someone else"....really?  OK, Fabio - I will refrain.  The bad thing is, though, after that encounter with his ego - he was actually really nice to me the whole night.  We talked, we laughed, he helped me...by the end of the shift, I saw a different guy than the one I had been introduced to just 8 hours prior. 

For the next few days, Fabio and I (Fabio will be his code name...he in NO way resembles him...just has his ego..LOL)...Fabio and I spent a lot of time together.  He drove me home each day, we went shopping a few times, started hanging out in the evening...and it wasn't long at all - we were dating.  Looking back, now, I wonder "what was I thinking?"  Fabio wasn't exactly the role-model dad I wanted for my child.  He was a drug addict - a bad one - but I saw past that.  Did I see past it because I thought he would quit? No...I saw past it because I was pregnant, lonely, and this guy gave me some attention.  Definitely not the best way to pick a suitor -especially when there's a child involved - but I was 18. 

We ended up moving in together after a few weeks of dating.  Our home was anything but a home.  It was a tiny, run-down trailer.  It had two tiny bedrooms, barely big enough to fit a bed in - let alone a crib.  The worst part was, we were sharing this tiny thing with 3 other people!!!  Getting further along in my pregnancy, becoming more and more cranky and miserable by the day, our dwellings became the topic of many fights between us.  He had told me that he wanted to be the father to my unborn child - and I jumped at having someone there.  I just didn't look at what I was getting in the deal.  A drug addict, and tin can of a home, no money, barely any food...life was rough.  Things became heated, very heated, between us WAY too many times.  I constantly thought about leaving him - but the thought of being alone haunted me too much to do it.  Then, a saving grace appeared...his sister (futher known as code name: Saving Grace).  I had met her only a few times, hadn't really gotten to know her very well...and I would say she probably thought her brother was NUTSO for dating a pregnant girl.  Regardless of what she thought - she was dealing with the same thing.  She was pregnant, with a guy she really didn't see herself being with forever, and lonely.  I guess that's why we bonded the way we did.

Anyway, after seeing how we were living, she insisted that we move in with her.  After that, things were different - but only in my eyes.  I finally had a friend, someone to talk to - and so I turned a blind eye to the things Fabio was doing. 

On April 14th, 2000 my beautiful Prairie Dawn was born.  Things were good.  I had fixed the problems I had with my parents.  I had a room full of people at her delivery - my parents, Fabio, Saving Grace, and MIL.  It was a joyful occasion - one that I will never forget.

So, the beginning of my story has begun.  The introduction is complete.  Tune-in next week for the next installment. 

Regardless of how bad my past was - it ultimately contributed to who I am today.  I can either dwell on it or learn from it.  I chose to learn each and every day - I SHALL OVERCOME!!!

Till next time.  ;)  

Code Name: MOVE - 45 minutes PS3 Move.

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