Monday, October 04, 2010

Motivational Monday - Learning Life Lessons, the Hard Way

For the past couple of weeks, I've been on a roller coaster in terms of my motivation.  One day I'm full of energy, eat healthy all day, and enjoy a good work-out at the end of it.  Then the next day I can feel, well, blah - for a lack of a better word.  Don't feel like working out, would rather devour a couple slices of pizza than eat something healthy, and just want to laze around in my PJs.  It wouldn't really matter if the latter days only made an appearance every now and then - but it feels like my roller coaster has too many down hills, and soon I'm going to end up just riding a boring old train!!

I've really been trying to analyze what it is that's put me in my slump.  OK, I'm busy.  I'm on my feet all day, usually exhausted by the time work is over - but I've been at this long enough to know that being tired isn't a good excuse not to eat healthy and work-out.  Maybe that's the problem - I've been at this a long time.  It's been almost 9 months since I've been on this journey.  I've lost a total of 57lbs - which most people would be ecstatic about... I was, too, when I reached that 57lbs weight lost a couple of months ago.  I've been sitting at this same level for a while now, and that doesn't help.  I can see the 200lb mark a little way ahead of me, and it's like I've just stopped.  I was keeping a nice steady pace to this point - and now it's like I've finally decided to rest...but I just can't seem to get myself moving again to get past that point.

Then, yesterday, I posted my positive note of the day:
Perfection isn't achieved naturally.  To be perfect at something, you must practice, you must falter, you must fail.  It's the fact that you keep striving for the perfection that allows you to reach your goals.

Now, I make the PNOTD up every day.  I just write whatever I'm feeling at that second.  After I wrote yesterday's, I sat looking at it for a while.  I have to rub my ego for a second and say that I think I do a pretty good job with the daily blasts of motivation.  I could probably write a book of little blurbs like this one.  When I read the words, something sparks inside of me.  I don't really think of myself as a perfectionist - but I am the kind of person that likes to achieve my goals.  My problem has been, however, that the one thing that I've failed at many, many times is trying to lose weight.  No matter how many times I've failed and given up, though, I've always tried again.  For over a decade, I've tried, I've failed, I've started again.  I have never been able to last 9 months at doing it - this is the longest I've succeeded. 

So, as I'm reading the words again and again, I start to think "well, maybe it's one of those times that I fail" - then I read it again "I'm not failing - I haven't stated gaining weight again, I guess I'm just faltering".  Then I read it again and the words "it's the fact that you keep striving" really weighs on me.  I have kept striving, for the most part.  I'm in a slump, but I'm not ready to give up.  I'm not getting the results I was getting 6 months ago, but I definitely haven't stopped trying altogether. 

Yesterday was not a very good day.  I went and ate lunch with my family at a buffet pizza place.  Did I stick to eating a salad and a slice of pizza?  Nope - I ate a lot of pizza.  Why am I telling you this?  Because after I ate, I felt miserable.  The feelings that I so proudly did away with a couple of month ago: guilt, regret, etc. were back.  I felt guilty that I ate that much food.  I regretted doing it the minute we walked out of the restaurant.  I suffered the rest of the day by feeling bloated and sick to my stomach.  If you're thinking - "it's OK, it was one day - don't beat yourself up" well, I wouldn't...if that was the only day last week that I faltered.  All week, I was eating things I shouldn't.  When I woke up this morning, I looked into the mirror - and what was looking back at me could only be described as a feeling of terror and horror.  I saw the old me looking back at me.  The me that weighed close to 300lbs.  The me that hated the way I look.  Of course, the old me wasn't really in the mirror - but this past week had to find a way to haunt me, somehow, and it chose to jump into my mirror and remind me of what will happen if I give up now.

So, it's up to me to do something about it.  It's time to go back to basics - literally start over.  I started Code Name: Move for that reason.  Working out 30 minutes a day is what I did when I first started my journey.  Just 30 minutes of walking on my treadmill each day made the weight start disappearing.  It wasn't long before I was upping the ante and moved into running, then boot camp, then running a 5K.  Maybe, just maybe, I need to go back to the starting line and have a "do-over".  This time, though, my starting line says: 205lbs.  The finish line is only 55lbs away - not 115, or whatever it was when I started last time.  I've already traveled half way through this marathon of success.  So, I was only able to do a 1/2 marathon before I had to take a break, had to falter a little - but now it's time to get back in the race. 

My only plan at this point is to take it slowly.  I will start with my 30 minutes a day.  Could I do more? Yep, probably.  Hopefully after a week or two of the 30 minutes, the spark will kick in and tell me I should be doing more...but I don't want to push myself too hard, cause I feel like that's what got me into this slump in the first place.  I am going to keep striving for success.  I am not going to give up.  I may falter - but I WILL NOT FALL!! 

So, time to analyze my goals.  Give myself something to focus on.  I sit just 5lbs away from the 200lb line.  My first goal?  Get through that sucker!!!  I'm giving myself 2 weeks.  I should of said goodbye to that nasty number several weeks ago - but I'm not going to dwell.  Time to suck it up, and just move on.  I've learned my life lesson - the hard way - and now it's time to just move on.  Thanksgiving will be here in just over 7 weeks.  That's a time where I will see family I haven't seen in a long time - and I want to knock their socks off!!  Goal #2? To fit into a size 14 by Thanksgiving.  That's only one dress size to go - I'm finally wearing a size 16 (comfortably) shouldn't be too hard to drop another size by then. 

My "words of wisdom" to you all today:  If you are anything like me, and have gotten to a place where you're not sure if you can go on...start over.  There's nothing wrong with going back to basics.  If you started out well, and now you're slowing down and feeling sluggish, then the only thing you can do is start again.  Go back to the root of what got you so motivated to start your journey in the first place.  Go back to starting out small and slowly building momentum.  Go back to over analyzing everything you put into your mouth - and the effects it will have on your body and your results.  That's where I'm going...I will be at the starting line, again.  I have only half the race left to run - I have come much too far to give up now.

I am not a failure.  I have failed in the past, but have never given up.  I am strong.  I am beautiful.  Nobody can stop me, now.

Till next time.  ;)

Code Name: MOVE - 30 minutes of walking

1 comment:

  1. I'll add you to my prayers all week, Joanne!


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