Pushing the Fast Forward Button

On Tuesday morning, for the past couple of weeks, I have been telling you my "Back in Time" story.  Basically it was the story of my life since 2000.  I was telling the story, because I blame a lot of the bad things that have happened to me to be accountable for my weight issues.

After giving up on the whole "topic of the day" thing - I hummed and harred about whether or not I should continue with the story.  It would definitely give me something interesting to write about - I mean, who doesn't love to read a good drama story, right?  So, I thought about it, decided to do it, and then I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday that made me reconsider.

It started out with a question of why I decided to wait until my late twenties to start college.  What should of been a response that consisted of "I had kids when I was young, so I had to wait until the right time" turned into a fast-forward rant of my past.  I told her about being in an abusive relationship, being so broke that I had to move over and over again with just the clothes on my back, turning to food to comfort me through depression, being single for four years to get over the pain and self-esteem issues of my past relationship,  meeting a guy that gave me the ability to be able to go to school, yady yady yada.  The person that I was telling the story to must of thought I was nuts - she asked a simple question, and in return got the drama of the past ten years of my life.  Then she said something that was like a slap in the face - "wow, I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much, but I guess you are the person you are today because of it, right?"  When she said it, my response was "you're absolutely right!" 

I have used the words that she said to me many, many times.  I am a firm believer that the struggles I have dealt with in my life have turned me into the person I am today.  I should be proud of that.  I am proud of that.  If I had the choice, would I do my life over?  Heck no!!  Every moment of my past - both good and bad - has molded what I am, who I am, what I have...why would I want to change a thing?  If I didn't get pregnant at 17, I wouldn't of met Fabio.  If I didn't meet Fabio, I wouldn't of had Grover.  If I hadn't been depressed and emotionally unstable and it taking four years to get over it, I wouldn't of met Hubby.  No Hubby would of meant no Zoe.  No Hubby would of also meant no going back to school and becoming a teacher.  Every moment in my life has accounted for something that has affected me now. 

So, after my conversation, I decided that I would not finish the story.  The reason is because I was telling the story as an excuse of why I put on all the weight.  An excuse to blame someone for doing horrible things to me that caused me to drown my sorrows in food.  An excuse to not hold myself accountable.  Excuse after excuse after excuse.  It really doesn't matter how I got to be as heavy as I was - what matters is I finally decided to do something about it.  It doesn't matter how many times I failed at losing weight - it matters that I'm succeeding now.  There is no time dwell on the past, I must use it only to remind myself that every moment made me who I am today.  I am strong.  I am smart.  I am healthy.  I am a mother - a good one.  I am with a man that loves me for who I am.  I am finally losing weight - already lost a lot.  I am following my dream, and striving to be the best teacher I can be.  These are the important things - not what happened to me ten years ago, eight years ago, five years ago - or even last week. 

At the end of the day, I love who I am.  I am so proud of everything that I have accomplished in my life - having amazing children, an awesome fiance, a supportive and loving family, and a job (although unpaid at the moment) that I love more than any job I have ever had in my life.  These are the things that are important.  I want to live in the moment, not dwell on what happened or didn't happen in the past.  The past being ten years ago, or yesterday.  If I don't do a work-out that I planned, I won't dwell on it - I will do what I can to learn from it, and move on.  If I don't get as much homework done in a weekend that I'd like to get done - I will finish it when I get to it.  It's all about the present - what's happening right now, this very second, on this day - and I have to make each and every day the best that it can be.

PNOTD:

"Live every day to the fullest, because once the day is over - it's the past.  Don't wait until tomorrow - for tomorrow never comes.  There's nothing you can do to change the past, there's nothing you can do to form the future - you have total control on what you do today."

Till next time.  ;)